My Heart's Cry

I LOVE the God I serve! I LOVE how He cares so deeply for me that He would take time out of His schedule to reach His mighty hand down from Heaven, scoop me up, and hold me close to His heart. . .close enough to hear it beating. . .so that I may better understand who He is, how He loves me (John 3:16), and who He wants to be to me. It never ceases to amaze me that Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe, wants to be something TO ME!
My heart ACHES to stand before my Abba God and hear Him say, "Well done. . .my good and faithful servant." (Matt. 25:21) ACHES!!! I can't wait to stand before Him in the Heavenly throne room, my ears filled with the sound of angels singing, "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty," (Isa. 6:3) The day is coming. I am one day closer to eternity in my Father's arms than I was yesterday. I pray that tomorrow (should I be granted tomorrow), I will do, think, and say in such a manner that, were my Adonai to call me home at the end of the day, my efforts would bring Him the honor and glory that He is due (I Tim. 1:17) and, in turn, He would do me the honor of calling me His faithful servant.

". . .whatever you did for one of the least of these. . ."

I am increasingly baffled by my son's reluctance to eat. Sometimes I think that his lack of concern for eating is based solely on the fact that he is a VERY ACTIVE 3.95 year old who would rather spend his time playing than sitting at the table consuming food necessary for survival so that he has the opportunity to play and be active; but I also think so much of his disdain for all things epicurean is rooted in the first 15 months of his life prior to our discovery that he is allergic to being alive (not really, but pretty close).

I distinctly remember Sam (maybe 11 months old), sitting in his highchair, night after night refusing to eat. He would turn his head away from the approaching spoon, make faces and blow "zerberts" at whatever "pick-up" food we would put on his tray, and ultimately, the "meal" would end in a fit of tears with very little food having been consumed, followed by either a visit to the porcelain goddess (if we made it in time) or an "all-nighter" because his tummy hurt so badly. Poor baby, his earliest memories of meal time are shrouded in pain and trauma!!!

Fast forward two and a half years. . .We have long since educated ourselves (and most everyone who comes into contact with Sam. . .God Bless You All) on Sam's various food allergies. . .we have made the necessary accomodations (i.e. disposing of roughly 80% of our previous pantry "collection;" purchasing various and sundry "allergy cookbooks" and ingredients which, by the way, are only pronouncable to natives of the farthest corners of India and the African Savanna. . .thank God for online grocery stores; changing our daily diet, etc.). . .we have fed our son food that is not only GOOD FOR HIM (imagine that in this fast food world), but it doesn't make him sick. Culinarily speaking, life has been better for Sam since we discovered his food allergies. . .Now if we could just get him to eat. . .

Not too terribly long ago, Sam had eaten a hearty 2 helpings (equivalent to 1 Adult sized portion) of whatever we had prepared for dinner (protein, vegetable/fruit, starch. . .we like to keep it simple), and he asked for dessert. Impressed with the effort that he had put forth during dinner, I quickly scurried over to the pantry to retrieve a "safe" cookie for him only to find that we were completely out of safe cookies. Realizing that I didn't have enough time before bedtime to "whip up" another batch of allergy friendly cookies, I turned to address my soon-to-be disappointed son.

"Baby," I began in my sweetest sing-song voice,"It appears that Mommy needs to make some more 'safe' cookies. . .we are all out for tonight. . .Now we have plenty of apples, grapes, bananas, and oranges. . .Would you like one of them?!?"

Ok, seriously?!? What kid in their right mind would be THRILLED to substitute a piece of YUMMY fruit over a cookie. . .safe or not?!? I knew that this might not end well, and to further confirm my fears, Robert was looking at me shaking his head. . .thanks, Babe!

"Well Mama," Sam says, sighing HEAVILY to illustrate his disgust with the situation (I have NO idea where he gets this from),"I guess I'll take a banana. . .if I have to."

VICTORY!!! We have a WINNER. . .and NO TEARS were shed!!!!! I turn to grab a banana off of the counter behind me, all the while thinking to myself, "He's not going to eat this whole banana. . .He NEVER eats a whole banana. . .He takes 2, maybe 3 bites, declares that he is finished, and I have to finish the banana for him. . .I am TOO full to finish the banana for him."

Nonetheless, the banana handoff goes off without a hitch! One. . .Two. . .Three. . .FOUR bites (wow, he really must be hungry). . .and then it happens. . .do I know my son, or what. . ."Mama, I'm finished with my banana." Robert, who is now in his "place of honor" on the couch, turns to look at me over his crossword puzzle.

Let me pause here to admit that, what follows is SO predictable AND could have easily been prevented had I not been so frustrated with the situation. . .I realize that, to most people, this would not have been a situation that warranted frustration, but, in my defense, I was mid-cycle of my In Vitro treatment. The medications that I was taking at this time were EXTREMELY mood altering, and EVERYTHING seemed like a BIG DEAL to me at the time! To make things worse, I KNEW that the reason that everything seemed like a big deal was because of the mood altering properties of the medication that I was on, but that didn't stop me from being certifiably CRAZY for 6 weeks. . .oh no. . .Jim Elliot once said, "Wherever you are, be all there," and I SURE WAS!!!

To continue. . .I look across the island at my beautiful son, who is now looking back at me holding a half-eaten banana in my general direction.

"Son."

"Yes, Mama?"

"Son, you told mama that you wanted to eat a banana. . . so I gave you a banana to eat."

"Yes, Mama. . .and I ate one, two, free, fou-wah bites, and now you can have da west."

"Son, that's your banana. Mama doesn't want your banana. Mama REALLY wants you to finish your banana." (N.B. Robert is still staring at us, but he is now beginning to chuckle.)

"Well. . .Mama. . .I just don't want any mo-wah."

*Earlier that day, Sam and I had seen a flier for Operation Christmas Child, a branch of Franklin Graham's Samaritan's Purse ministry. We had discussed how there were many children in the world who would not receive any gifts for Christmas, but that this nice man (Franklin Graham) had asked people to fill shoeboxes with gifts to send to these precious children so that they would have something to open on Christmas morning. We had talked about how Franklin Graham made sure that EVERY child who received a shoebox full of gifts would hear the good news of Jesus, God's greatest gift to man, and how wouldn't it be neat if the child(ren) who received our shoeboxes that we sent would come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior?!? Sam was really excited, and we spent the better part of the day talking about O.C.C. and praying for the child who would receive our box.*

With the discussion of the day still pretty fresh in my mind, I said the following. . ."Sam, remember those children that we talked about today? You know, the one's who don't have anything. . .who may not get anything for Christmas unless someone sends them something? Don't you think that they would LOVE to have your banana right now? I'll bet those children would be very thankful to eat your banana." Oh yes. . .I went there!

Robert is now belly laughing. . .I so set myself up. . .

Sam sits back in his chair and stares at me. . .then he looks at his banana. . .then he looks at me. "Well, Mama. . .see here. . .I have an idea. . .I don't want my banana no mo-wah, and those childwen would lub to have my banana, so how 'bout we give my banana to those childwen, and we can all be happy." My little diplomat. . .if only peace negotiations were so easy!

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' " ~Matthew 25:34-40

What an "Anvil Year" 2008 Has Been!

For 2 years, I have prayed daily for contentment with our situation. . .in my mind (and heart), I never would have dreamed that it would take surrendering 4 children to experience contentment, but through our losses and, admittedly, the longing that we have for our 4 heavenly babies, the Lord has given us such peace and JOY.

He has turned our focus COMPLETELY towards the BLESSING that He has already entrusted to us (Sam), and reminded us (through Sam) that He is ALWAYS faithful, He is extremely GRACIOUS( I Cor. 12:9), and He is the same MIGHTY GOD who provided, "the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE," (John 14:6). . .He NEVER changes!

Robert and I are both so thankful for what He has done for us, but we recognize that He has done these things because of WHO HE IS. . .He is our Abba God, our Jehovah Jireh, our Adonai, our Jehovah Shalom. . .He is I AM (Ex. 3:13-14). . .and in/through Him, we have found/been granted our peace and contentment. . .our reason for rejoicing (Phil. 4:4).

2008 has, at times, been painful, but the Lord has used our pain to draw us nearer to His heart in a manner that, had we not been led through the fire, we may have never experienced. He has been our comfortor and our rock more this year than ever before (N.B. It is not that the Lord just up and decided this year that He wanted to be those things to us. . .He has ALWAYS been, and will always be, a ROCK and the GREATEST source of comfort to His people!) This year, we were allowed the uncomfortable privilege of recognizing that, in our flesh, our best attempts to comfort each other infinitely pale in comparison to what the Lord offers to those who seek Him (Matt. 11:28-29). As strange as it may seem, through our discomfort and refinement by fire, we foundpeace and rest. This has been the greastest lesson/most amazing gift that we have received from 2008, for out of this lesson/gift, a desire to walk even more closely with our Heavenly Father has been born . . .ha, I just realized the irony of that previous statement (which may not make sense to anyone other than myself). . .I truly thought that 2008 would end with another Line baby having been born, but the Lord knew better. . .He had to call 3 of His/our babies home this year so that our renewed desire to serve Him could be born out of the fire.

Upon sitting down in front of my computer, I had not intended to record the following, but now, in light of my recent epitome, it seems appropriate to do so. . . . When I was 14 years old, I read a book (for the first time. . .there have been countless readings since) by Max Lucado that would forever change the way that I saw myself as a child of the Risen King. . .I did not know then that On the Anvil would be such a foreshadowing of my earthly life. . .now I do.

What follows is the introduction to On the Anvil. . .I hope the connection that I'm making here doesn't escape you, and that, at the very least, it makes you think about where the Lord has you at this very moment, on the verge of a New Year.

"In the shop of the blacksmith, there are three types of tools. There are tools on the junk pile: outdated, broken, dull, rusty. They sit in the cobwebbed corner, useless to their master, oblivious to their calling.

There are tools on the anvil: melted down, molten hot, moldable, changeable. They lie on the anvil, being shaped by their master, accepting their calling.

There are tools of usefulness: sharpened, primed, defined, mobile. They lie ready in the blacksmith's tool chest, available to their master, fulfilling their calling.

Some people lie useless: lives broken, talents wasting, fires quenched, dreams dashed. They are tossed in with the scrap iron, in desperate need of repair, with no notion of purpose.

Others lie on the anvil: hearts open, hungry to change, wounds healing, visions clearing. They welcome the painful pounding of the blacksmith's hammer, longing to be rebuilt, begging to be called.

Others lie in their Master's hands: well tuned, uncompromising, polished, productive. They respond to their Master's forearm, demanding nothing, surrendering all.

We are all somewhere in the blacksmith's shop. We are either on the scrap pile, in the Master's hands on the anvil, or in the tool chest. (Some of us have been in all three.)"

2008 has been an "anvil year" for the Lines. We have been pounded, molded, changed. . .Praise the Lord!!! It is my prayer that, in 2009, we will make it to the "tool box!" For now, however, it is with great thanksgiving that we eagerly anticipate where the Lord will lead us/how He will use us in 2009! Happy, Blessed New Year!!!!

Poem from Aunt Jean

While I realize that this post is not my usual "rant," I thought that, for the 5 people who actually read this Blog, you might get a kick out of it. . .I received it today via email, and while I did laugh ("Truth is good for the soul but horrible for the reputation"~Mrs. Sharon), it gave me pause to think. . .I pray that this earthly life I live is such that, upon entry to Eternal Glory, the same is not said of me! Enjoy!

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD!
I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven Who made me sputter and gasp-- The thieves, the liars, the sinners, The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought Was rotting away in hell, Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.

'And why's everyone so quiet, So somber - give me a clue.' 'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock. No one expected you.'

*JUDGE NOT Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree. . .

I love how the Lord continues to show us the rainbows in spite of the rain. On Friday, December 5, 2008 (one day after learning our news), Robert realized that he could not be the Christmas tree Nazi any longer. . .so off to Avery Christmas Tree Farm in Purvis, MS we went. It was such a wonderful time of "us-ness". . .we laughed, we talked, we walked, we just were.

I am so thankful that the Lord used this time of tree-hunting to encourage our hearts and grant us perspective into our loss. It was a gift, we had a blast, and Sam made a new friend (surprise, surprise) in Mr. Collins (Mr. Avery's nephew who let Sam ride on the 4-wheeler with him)!

Here are some pics and a video. . .Enjoy!

Sam took his tree decorating VERY seriously! He did a GREAT job!

God said No. . .

. . .Sometimes He does. . .once again, I am a broken vessel, but my Creator will mend me, and He will use me for His glory in spite of my rugged exterior.
I am SO blessed! I am blessed by a loving Father who knows how it feels to lose a child. . .He's a Father, for crying out loud. . .I am blessed with a loving husband who encourages me and pushes me forward. . .I am blessed with an amazing son who, medically speaking, shouldn't even be here, and who thinks I'm AWESOME (little does he know) and who, daily, gives me glimpses of my Heavenly Father through our relationship! Oh yes, I am blessed beyond measure!

*Some Thoughts*

• I have NEVER known my Savior to lead me somewhere then leave me there ALONE! (Deut. 4:31)
• If I desire something other than "more of the Lord," then I'm not truly delighting myself in Him (Psa. 37:4). Try it. . .When we TRULY delight ourselves in the Lord, He fills us to such capacity that, in spite of the hills and valleys that we walk through, there is no room for any want or desire of any kind. So what about those things that we might term "desires of our hearts" that the Lord has very obviously given us (i.e. loving spouses; supportive families; strong, healthy children). . .those are the gifts/blessings that our Father bestows upon us to further prove His faithfulness and His grace and, on occasion, to reward our sinful selves for acts of obediance. Because we have been entrusted with these gifts, we must "use" them for His glory. . . . So here's the question: Has my relationship with my husband brought glory to my Savior today/Have I treated my child in a manner that shows the Lord how grateful I am for this precious gift of life that He has entrusted to me?!?
• God can't be a provider, healer, omniscient, etc. God some of the time, or only when it is convenient to His people. . .it's contrary to His character. He has to be all of these things all of the time to all of His people, that's just who He is! He's not Jehovah Rapha only when I'm sick. . .He is forever healing and mending me! He is not Jehovah Jireh only when I need something. . .He provides for me constantly! He is not El Roi only when I want His attention and guidance. . .He sees all things, always! You get the idea. All things considered, maybe instead of blaming God when things don't go our way, or asking Him where He was in the midst of our personal storms, we should ask ourselves why we weren't paying attention to the road signs He placed before us (Turn Here, Detour, STOP, etc.) or the road map that He provided to show us "The Way" (John 14:6), or why, during life's storms, we clung for dear life to the things of this world instead of clinging to the One who created the world (Isa. 42:5).
• God has NOT changed. . .He will not change (Heb. 13:8). . .He will not defy His character! He is EXACTLY who He says He is. . .the Great I AM (Ex. 3:14). It is comforting to me, in the midst of this microwave society fueled by instant gratification that my Abba God, my Adonai, my Jehovah Shalom will always remain the same. . .His promises to me will never be broken. I can definitely put my hope in that!

Grateful to be a Broken Servant,

Tish

Our Lives WILL Change in the Next 24 Hours. . .

. . .that's for certain!!! Will we cry tears of joy or just tears? It's funny how a little needle stick, drawn blood, and a phone call can change your life so drastically, and yet, here we are, within 24 hours of receiving that phone call. . .we are cautiously optimistic.
I am resting in my Father, recognizing that he has led us to this place, and thankful that, in my 29+ years, He has NEVER left me somewhere that He has led me (no matter how many times I have turned and left Him. . .Father, again, forgive me for being a thoughtless sheep). In the words of a dear friend who has become like a father to me, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future!" I am humbled and honored to be a Kingdom Vessel.