Let me begin by saying that, God is good ALL the time! He is faithful even when I am faithless! His mercies and grace daily amaze me, and I am truly overwhelmed by the privilege to call him my Father! The last time I wrote, we were praying fervently that the Lord would open my womb and bless us with another child and, boy howdy, did He come through! He not only heard our cries, but He doubled our order! On November 20, 2009, the Lord blessed our family with the additions of Charles Caedmon Line (4 lbs. 4 oz) and Helen Asher Line (4 lbs. 9 oz.). While they arrived 6 weeks ahead of schedule, and spent a month in the NICU at Wesley Medical Center, they were the most perfect early Christmas gifts that we had ever received, and we were overjoyed to welcome them into our family! Life was forever changed with their entrance into our world and, while our somewhat simple existence was thrown into a blessed chaos of sleepless nights and countless diaper changes, we were filled with a delirious contentment like nothing we had ever known! The years of agony and anguish had given way to a precious season of thanksgiving (which is fitting as the twins were born almost a week before Thanksgiving 2009). To be on the receiving end of such an amazing gift, and to be, daily, filled with the knowledge that He had answered our prayers in His perfect timing was (and still is) truly one of the greatest spiritual awakenings/gifts that we had/have ever experienced!
But, as scripture tells us at the beginning of John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy," and in our delirium, we let our guards down, setting the stage for the enemy of our souls to attack our family in a manner that would threaten to shake our very foundations. In January 2011, Robert and I embarked on a very dark, difficult period in our marriage, and that depression that I had previously battled during our infertility struggles reared it’s ugly head again. The feelings of hurt and hopelessness were heavier now than they had ever been. There were so many days when I literally had to remind myself how to breathe. I knew that Jesus was walking with me through this valley, but most days I was too angry with Him to hear Him speaking to me. Bringing our children to church without my husband every Sunday was incredibly painful, but my soul LONGED to be in the company of fellow believers. I relied heavily on my church family during this time to hold me up and, to no surprise, they were unfailing in their efforts to help, to pray, and to encourage. Looking back, I can honestly say that this was the darkest hour of my soul, but it was also one of the greatest blessings that the Lord could have given my family and me. My fellow brothers and sisters who knew and understood our circumstances never judged or condemned. . .they just stood. They stood in the gap for us as they had done so many times before. They refused to allow me to give up on my marriage. They sent me notes of encouragement. They gave me unsolicited hugs and held me tightly as I cried. They made time for my family and me when, Lord only knows that, the demands on their own personal lives were great. In Exodus 17, Moses tells Joshua to take some men and fight the Amalekites who had attacked the Israelites. The Lord had told Moses that, as long as he stood on the hill overlooking the valley where the Israelite and Amalekite armies were fighting with the staff of God raised high, the Israelite army would be successful over their enemies. After a while, Moses’ arms grew tired and he began to lower the staff out of sheer, physical exhaustion. As soon as this happened, the Amalekite army gained the advantage over the Israelites. When his buddies, Aaron and Hur realized what was going on, they quickly propped Moses up on a rock and held his arms high in the air. . .one on one side, and one on the other. They supported his arms, and the army of Israel proved victorious over the Amalekites. The Crosspoint fellowship was my Aaron and Hur. They held me up, and they assured me that God had not changed. . .that His design for our family had not changed. . .that He WOULD restore the years that the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25). And they were right! Praise be ONLY to God, our marriage is sweeter and stronger now than it has EVER been! My husband is now the Godly husband and father that I had always prayed he would become. Our family is whole and united, submitting only to the Cross; and I am infinitely grateful that, in God’s sovereign design, He surrounded me with God honoring men and women who would not let me run away when life turned up the heat.
In my flesh, I wish I could say that the pain and suffering ended once 2012 began, but I have come to accept that I am in a constant state of refinement and authentication. In March of this year, my family grieved the tragic loss of Frank Duncan, my cousin Catherine’s husband, who died as a result of smoke inhalation from trying to save his family from their burning home. The day after returning from Frank’s funeral, Robert and I found ourselves standing in a room watching breathlessly as our oldest son, Sam, moved slowly in and out of an MRI machine. In the month that followed, doctors would use the word leukemia more times than I care to remember when referencing our son. . .while that was, thankfully, not their final diagnosis, our son was extremely sick, and all signs pointed towards a grim conclusion. What we lived through this past March is unquestionably a parent’s worst nightmare, and though we wrestled with moments of fear, there was a peace that filled our home like nothing we had ever experienced before. We were exhausted, but we were, in the great words of Eric Clapton, running on faith. Once again, we were being lifted up by our precious fellowship; but this time was different. This time, we were resting in the Lord’s provision and His sovereignty. We KNEW who our God was, and we had begun to grasp as much as our finite minds possibly can that our children are only ours on loan. They are His for all eternity. We knew that His will for our son’s life was so much greater than either one of us could drum up even on our best day. We knew He HAD this, and we were able to find peace in the waiting. Ultimately, Sam was diagnosed as having the Epstein Barr virus, and we were able to resume our lives where we had left off.
I can honestly say that, even in the presence of the trials that I’ve faced, the past 3 years have been the sweetest, most wonderful time of my life. Sounds ridiculous, right?!? I mean, come on…have I been listening to myself? Did I hear a word that I’ve been saying? And now I sit here and tell you that the past 3 years have been great? Seriously. . .I mean it! I know that the last several years have been painful. . .I lived them. . .I know. But never in all of my life have I been able to experience the love of Jesus Christ more than I have these past 3 years as it was poured out before me by my friends and family who desired to be the hands and feet of Christ to us. I can honestly say, without hesitation, that the Lord God Almighty is good and faithful and just! He TRULY is my Jehovah Jireh. . .His provision for my family and me is infinitely more than we deserve!
So there you have it. . .now you know, in a nutshell, why I have been absent from this blog for so long. It's not pretty, but the end result is so good! It is so good, in fact, that I believe it requires a challenge. . .earlier I referenced the beginning of John 10:10. . .now for the good part. . .you see, the Lord tells us in the second half of John 10:10 that He came to give us LIFE, and life more abundantly. We could settle for good and it would be alright for a while, but the Lord calls us to greater things for His glory, and I believe that His great sacrifice warrants us to press on towards that goal. Jesus never promised us a life with an "easy button". . .quite the contrary, actually. . .life as a Christian has never been easy, nor will it ever be as we live in a fallen world. . .daily surrounded by the sin that we brought upon ourselves in the Garden. But imagine for just a moment what would have happened if the disciples hung it up at Calvary; or if Paul had waited for someone else to come and carry out his missionary journeys for him. NOTHING. . .Nothing would have happened! But, praise be to God, they didn't quit. . .they didn't quit when life got too hard. . .they didn't quit when they were faced with situations that challenged their comfort levels (i.e. Paul and Silas). . .they didn't quit when life turned up the heat and they had no one there physically to pat them on the back and give them an encouraging "atta' boy." They knew that the message of truth that they were carrying far surpassed any earthly trials that they could face, and that The One who had sent them was SO incredibly worthy of their efforts and so. . .they pressed on! You see, I don’t recall the order being given in the Bible to wallow in my own excuses and not report for duty. . .as a matter of fact, I know that Matthew 16:24 instructs me to daily deny myself, take up my cross, and follow my Savior. There are days when my cross is heavier than others but, as a Christ follower, I don’t get to choose when I can or cannot follow my Savior. . .if I have learned anything over the last 3 years, it is that denying myself HAS to be a daily thing.
From the bottom of my heart, it is my hope that, at the end of my life, when I turn to survey the battlefield behind me, the only losses that I will be able to count, are the ones where I died to myself and surrendered to my Savior and His will. He is INFINITELY worthy of my efforts, and I am eternally grateful to be so incredibly OVERWHELMED by His faithfulness!
