". . .Yet will I hope in Him."

Monday, July 07, 2008
For those of you who are unaware (and I'm not sure that many of you factor in to that category at this point), Robert and I have dealt with fertility issues for the entirity of our married life together. With the exception of Sam who, I am increasingly more convinced, TRULY is our "Miracle" baby, we have always struggled physically with our God-given instruction to, "be fruitful and increase in number"(Gen. 9:1, 7).
Many of you know that, over the course of the past 16 months, Robert and I have surrendered 2 of our 3 children to the Lord. Words cannot begin to describe how my heart YEARNS to have held Isaac and Anna as I did (and still do) Samuel. So many times, day after day, I find myself wondering about our 2 "angels". . .not in terms of, "Are they ok," because I know that they are being held by the Creator of the Universe, whose arms are infinitely more capable than my own. . .but more in the sense of, will they know me when we meet for the first time in Eternity? Will they know how my heart broke for them? Will they know that I am their mother?
I must admit that I often chide myself for feeling sadness over 2 children whom, this side of Heaven, I will never know, when Robert and I have, through Samuel, been given our hearts' desire (I Sam. 1:27). He is the most AMAZING gift that we have ever received, short of our salvation, and we, daily, marvel at the Lord's faithfulness through our son. We are SO VERY BLESSED!!!
Two weeks ago, under the instruction of my doctor, I had elective surgery to "explore" my reproductive system. . .my doctor was concerned that, because of my bout with cervical cancer (Feb. 2004) and a history of ovarian cysts, there was irreparable damage to my reproductive organs, thereby explaining the difficulties that we have been experiencing. To make an EXTREMELY long story short, the surgery went well, NO scar tissue was found (PRAISE THE LORD), and my fallopian tubes, though oddly shaped, are completely open. . .there is NO doubt in my mind that the Lord took care of these issues because, scientifically speaking, I should have been COVERED in scar tissue!
My point in writing all of the aforementioned details is, believe it or not, only to provide background information, thereby allowing me to lead up to something that happened during my "patient registration" for surgery (sorry for the long-windedness). . .I was called back to a small room where, a gentleman began to ask me all of the typical questions that need to be asked for insurance purposes, blah, blah, blah, and throughout the course of the routine questioning, I believe, that the man began to realize that my situation has been an ongoing issue. He, about 10 minutes in to our time together, took his hands off of the computer keyboard and turned to face me. "Mrs. Line," he said, "Exactly how long have you and your husband been dealing with these issues?" To which I responded approximately 8 years, with an 8.5 month hiatus in there about 3 years ago (Sam). He explained that he was newly married, and that he and his wife had been, ". . .kicking around the idea of having a baby." Let me pause right here to say that, in my flesh, I wanted to jump across the desk grab his face in my hands and shout at the top of my lungs that children are GIFTS, not rights, and the thought of becoming a parent is NEVER one that should be "kicked around,". . .but I digress. . .I took a DEEP breath, and began to tell him our story. . .
After I had finished, he looked at me and said, "I don't mean to keep prying, but are you seriously that sure that all that you have experienced these past 8 years is part of the will of a loving God?" I referred him to the book of Job, a story that he admittedly was unfamiliar with, and I shared with him that many times, when I am feeling sorry for myself, I often read Job's story, and am inspired by Job's faith and his willingness to endure hardship, and praise the name of God Almighty (Job 1: 20-22/ Job 2:10/Job 13:15). If a man like Job, who loses EVERYTHING (family, earthly possessions, etc.) can praise his creator regardless of the fact that his material world is crumbling all around him, then I can (and should), in markedly less dire circumstances, do nothing short of the same!
I would LOVE to pretend that my conversation with that man ended in a salvation decision for him that day, but unfortunately, it did not. I can only pray that the Lord was able to use my desire to be His vessel as a tool with which to plant a seed in that man's heart. But this conversation has haunted me for the past 2 weeks. . .I've been unable to make it through the day without seeing that man's face in my mind and wondering whether or not I said the right thing. . .did I make a difference for my Savior, or did I blow it. Daily, I have asked the Lord to grant me some sort of confirmation in terms of the validity of my counsel to the gentleman in patient registration, and today, I HONESTLY opened to the following passage in my Bible during my quiet time:
17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. ....
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. ....
--Habakuk 3:17-19

I know that, even in times of "personal famine," when life is not happening the way that I would have hoped it would, my job is still to praise my Savior, my provider, my Healer. . .He IS my strength and my sustainer (Psalm 54:4). . .He is the one who allows me to find joy in the midst of life's storms. While I am not certain that the man in patient registration received that which I had shared with him that day, I DO know that, for me, Habakuk 3:17-19 offers a promise that my Savior will continue His faithfulness towards me reagardless of the difficulties that I may face, and that He will ALWAYS be WORTHY of my praise!